I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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