My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
