so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
