She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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