Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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