He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
