please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
