That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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