Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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