I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
