My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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