I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
