Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
not ubering you a puppy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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