dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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