Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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