Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
