The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
