I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
