WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
