If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
