he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
