He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
