He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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