So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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