i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I did not marry a roomba.
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