Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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