god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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