Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
