Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
