Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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