Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
