my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
