margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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