filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
