I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
