gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
