I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
