just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
