Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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