I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
