i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
