That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
