Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
