Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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