Don't you send me to vm
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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