You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
