life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
