Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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