It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
