life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
