I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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