Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
