thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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