i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
