I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize