I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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