More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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