I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
