Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
