Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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