I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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